My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood; this is my street; this is my life. I am 42 years old; in less than a year I will be dead. Of course I don't know that yet, and in a way, I am dead already.
You don't get to tell me what to do ever again.
What a sad old man you are.
Carolyn Burnham: Are you trying to look unattractive?
Jane Burnham: Yes.
Carolyn Burnham: Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.
I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.
1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.
Lester Burnham: I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.
Jim Olmeyer: Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?
Lester Burnham: I want to look good naked!
Brad Dupree: [reading Lester's job description] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.
Lester Burnham: Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.
Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.
I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.
I know you think my dad's harmless, but you're wrong.
Angela Hayes: Yeah? Well, at least I'm not ugly!
Ricky Fitts: Yes, you are. And you're boring, and you're totally ordinary, and you know it.
Lester Burnham: Then I guess I'll have to throw in a sexual harassment charge.
Brad Dupree: Against who?
Lester Burnham: Against YOU. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?
Brad Dupree: Man, you are one twisted fuck.
Lester Burnham: Nope; I'm just an ordinary guy who has nothing left to lose.
It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
Catering Boss: I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing out here.
Ricky Fitts: Fine. So don't pay me.
Catering Boss: Excuse me?
Ricky Fitts: I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone.
Catering Boss: ...asshole.
Lester Burnham: [stunned] I think you just became my personal hero!
Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once!
There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model.
Never underestimate the power of denial.
This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.
Remember those posters that said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, that's true of every day but one - the day you die.
It's that psycho next door. Jane, what if he worships you? What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?
Lester Burnham: How's Jane?
Angela Hayes: What do you mean?
Lester Burnham: I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.
Angela Hayes: She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love.
Lester Burnham: Good for her.
Angela Hayes: How are you?
Lester Burnham: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great.
Carolyn Burnham: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester Burnham: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
Lester Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
Oh well, all right, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way.
Carolyn Burnham: Well, I see you're smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
Lester Burnham: You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident.
It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.
Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
Somebody should just put him out of his misery.
I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.
Cunt! I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.
She's not your friend. She's just someone you use to feel better about yourself.
Janie's a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her.
I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting.
Ricky Fitts: It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful... you can look right back.
Jane Burnham: And what do you see?
Ricky Fitts: Beauty.
I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are.
Carolyn Burnham: Lester, this is important. I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane.
Lester Burnham: "Growing?" She hates me.
Carolyn Burnham: She's just willful.
Lester Burnham: She hates you too.
Well you know what? I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny!
Everything that's meant to happen does.
Lester Burnham: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.
Carolyn Burnham: Oh, you don't complain? Then please, excuse me, I must be psychotic, then! If you don't complain, what is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.
Go fuck yourself, psycho!
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