This is a poncho!

Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?

Mary: Leonard called me.

Sheldon: I know, but why?

Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.

Sheldon: This is not a serape, this is a poncho. A serape is open at the sides; a poncho is closed. This is a poncho. …And neither is a reason to call someone’s mother.

The Big Bang Theory 1.04 - The Luminous Fish Effect

Sheldon Cooper

When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add: mwuh-ha-ha.

You know, I’m given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction, and sexually transmitted diseases.

That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be (0,0,0,0).

Leonard: Thank you! Are there any questions?
Sheldon: Yeah. What the hell was that?

This is Doctor Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium… Well I’m sorry, too, but there’s just no room for you in my wallet… Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don’t have dinosaurs… Well, I’ll miss you, too. Bye bye.

I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad.

The entire institution of gift-giving makes no sense. Let’s say I go out and I spend $50 on you. It’s a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now, I could simplify things… just give you the $50 directly, and then you could give me $50 on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and $50 richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?

Coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.

More to come...